Keep Holding On
by Lost Inside Myself
Summary: She has passed away...and the child still remains...what to do? What to do? Not just hers but she is mine, too. What to do...?
1. Mother

This is an RPG made by me and the person who made Killing Loneliness with me. Please give credit to him for the making of this as well. He is the player of 'L'

Chapter 1: Mother

_"P-please take c-care of h-er..."  
The pressure squeezing on his hand slackened and the last remaining life in the woman faded away._

Her crimson eyes opened as she blinked the dream away. It was the end of a nightmare she had. She always had nightmares when she slept. Her small body was tensed up and her breathing was heavy as sweat dripped down her face. The voice of the dying woman was repeating her last words over and over again in her mind. But it was fading to an even lower volume with every repeat it took. Eventually it faded from her memory and she could no longer remember it as crystal clear as it had been in her nightmare. Though she tried desperately to hold onto the pained voice because she knew what she had been dreaming. It was her mother dying mere minutes after giving birth to her. It was not the first time she had this dream but at least the fifth or sixth time it had haunted her. A small whine escaped her throat as she slowly lifted her self up. Her short, dark hair was in a mess and she wondered for how long exactly had she been out. She didn't sleep that often for various reasons.

Rubbing her eyes a small yawn came from the toddler. She was three years old and it was the year of 2008. It hadn't been all too long since she had turned three. 2009 was only a month away as it was December now. Snow had fallen and it was pretty cold outside.  
"Papa..." was the first word out of her mouth as she climbed out of the bed. Stumbling, she headed toward the door. They were in a huge building that her father told her was a 'skyscraper.' It was hard at first to get around and she could still get lost at times, but she knew where she was going right now. Hisaye was going to the main room where she knew her papa was probably working. On the Kira case, of course. Another yawn was passed as she stumbled out of the door and into the long, dark hallway. She didn't remember falling asleep in the bed, someone must've carried her there. It was probably her Uncle Matsu...whom she spent a lot of time with. He was basically her babysitter and it gave him some use around the place. Hisaye loved him very much but not as much as she loved her father. She basically would cling to him if she were that type of child. But she wasn't. That didn't mean she liked to be apart from him, though.

Hisaye suffered from a separation anxiety and would often sulk when her father was not near her. She absolutely hated being apart from him. But she accepted the fact there were those times when she had to be away. That didn't stop her paranoia from going crazy. She would often find herself thinking if he was going to come back. Most of the time it was a fear that someone would kill him but sometimes she feared he'd run away from her. But she knew better, Hisaye knew very much better. At least she thought she did. She assumed, though figured her assumption was 99.9 accurate, that her father loved her and would never leave her. Hisaye held faith in him because she did love him with all her heart. Sometimes she wondered if her mother had felt the same way. Had loved him as much as she did.

Still in blue pajamas that had apples on them, Hisaye stumbled into the main room. She still felt sleep calling to her but refused to give into its evil temptation. Sleep only brought nightmares and the pained voice back. She wanted the pained voice, but she wish the pain was not in it. She wanted what was underneath the pain, the voice of her mother. That sweet, melodic voice which sounded like it tasted like sugar. Her father loved sweets, so maybe that was one of the reasons he loved her. Because her voice was very sweet...  
"Papa?" This time her voice rose because she was actually looking for a reply. Her crimson eyes scanned the main room which had two couches, a glass table, and then the computers that were everywhere. Stairs were on either side of the computer wall and she had come down one of the two. "Papa? Where are you?"

How she longed for a response, to hear her father's monotone voice. Despite it being emotionless she loved to hear it. She felt warm when she heard it, safe. Hisaye wanted to feel secure because she was shaken from her nightmares. Hopefully she could hold off sleep for about a week now so she could escape from them till then. She often stayed awake until she collapsed because of her nightmares. Also because she had trouble sleeping. An 'insomniac' she had learned it was called. She was one of those like her father, and held dark bags under her eyes like he did. Actually, many say Hisaye looked just like her father. But her personality, which was not yet fully developed, resembled her mother's. She wondered if that was true, Hisaye tried to prod things out of her father about her mother. But she had yet to be fully successful on getting the whole story. She had only bits and pieces of information on her mother. But she was confident to get it all. And she would get it all.

_Exhaustion.._

For many months now that's all he felt. The case was starting to take it's toll on this detective, his sleep count reaching nearly zero in the past two months. He would spin in his chair several times anxiously, calculating the results of his many tests over and over again. So far everything seemed to elude his grasp, as much as he thought he was starting to make some sort of advancement. This "Kira" was definitely as skilled as he was in this game of cat and mouse, and he was definitely making that known. Anger built up inside L as he thought about losing to this man, there was no way he could let this happen, his pride was at stake. "Please tell me you have something, Soichiro." he said slowly as he turned to face the older man. Soichiro would shake his head slowly, disheartened by the fact that they had once again come across another cold trail. "Then.. you all may leave for the night." he said slowly as he turned back towards the computer. "There is no reason for you to stay tonight, rest up and we'll try again.." he said as he went about stacking his sugar cubes in his normal OCD fashion.

Everyone slowly started to shuffle out of the room towards the Elevator, only one stopping for a moment. "Hisaye is in bed, L." said Matsuda as he turned slowly and headed out himself. That was one relief to him at least; he had help raising the child that he should have been loving with Good by his side. Being the leader of the Kira investigation and trying to raise a small girl was perhaps the most challenging thing he had ever undergone. Catching high level criminals was easy compared to raising a little girl, or in his perspective it was anyway. Of course he loved her with all his heart, wanting nothing but the best for her, yet at the same time he wished he was more of a father then he really was. His head would slump down slowly as he stared at the floor, his sugar cube dropping to the floor. _What should I do..? Tell me Good.._ he thought as his sugary tea sat cold on the desk next to him.

"Papa..?" the small voice of Hisaye flooded the room, being the only sound other then the gentle hum of the computers. Slowly he would raise his head, turning his chair gently in the direction of the small girl in the apple pajamas. She was exactly like him, or so many people said when it came to her appearance. The hair… the bags under her eyes. If things kept up as they were, he would be raising mini L. That was the joke among the group anyway, L never really found much humor in it. As much as he wanted it, he wished for her to never be like him. This was perhaps one of the biggest fears he held within himself. He could not stand the thought of her being socially inept, and wasting her life away on these cases. "Hisaye.. You're supposed to be in bed." he said in his slow mono tone voice, obviously not too amused by her being awake. At the same time there was this relief that overwhelmed him by seeing her, she always made him feel relaxed.. just like her mother always had.

"Come here, Hisaye.." he said slowly as he stood up. With his arms open slightly, he would invite her to come over. Just as much as she needed the comforting, he needed it as well. For the same reason she never slept, he did not either. Good's death haunted him while he slept, as well as the laughing masked face of the man known as Kira. If only he could prove in someway that Light was Kira, he would be able to end some of this nightmare and have peace with his child, and within this country. Noting that she seemed very exhausted, he would instead go over and scoop her up into his arms. Gently he would stroke her hair as he turned to face one of the computer screens. "Can't sleep?"

He was exactly where she would guess him to be. A smile crept across her face though his voice did not sound amused. Yes, she was supposed to be asleep. But she had woken up and there wasn't anything he could do about it. Those thoughts made her think about how Light sometimes muttered she was a 'demon child' when only she could hear him. Maybe that was true, maybe she was a demon child? But she didn't have any problems with that; she liked being a handful at times. But at other times she would give mercy to her father and be a good girl. Actually that was a lot of times because she understood her papa was very busy. Her smile only grew wider as he stood up and his arms slowly outstretched toward her. He was inviting her over but a yawn stopped her from running over into his arms. Exhaustion was beating down on her, telling her she should've slept longer. But she refused to fall asleep again for a long time. Though, she must admit, that she had forgotten how comfortable her pajamas were.  
"Papa," she said, her voice full of her love for him. There was no real reason for saying it except for the fact she wanted to. She just wanted to say what she knew him by because she loved him. Now if only her mother were here to be with them. Her birthday had been 9 days ago and it seemed that day was sort of quiet. Quieter then usual from her father.

Her arms outstretched and her tiny hands reached for L as he walked over to her. She wanted to be picked up by him and held. It made her spirits skyrocket and she laughed as he picked her up. Her small hands gripped onto his shirt and she curled up close to him. Hisaye was much smaller then toddlers her age. She had been born 2 months late on October 10th of 2005 and had been a very small baby. She had been late because of complications that had slowed up her development and some other problems. The problems that had ended up killing her mother. Hisaye did not know it, but her mother had gone through a lot of pain during her pregnancy. Throwing up blood and constant, sharp pains along with the natural morning sickness and when Hisaye had gotten big enough to start kicking and stretching. It all had piled down on the woman, who had seemed to grow paler with each passing day and weaker as well. The stress and pain that had all ended up killing her in the end...all for Hisaye. All for her and L's little baby girl that had been worried over for 11 months. Good, this Hisaye knew, had been a kind person who was willing to sacrifice herself for someone she loved. And she had loved Hisaye...who had not even been born and who she only met for a few mere minutes before passing.

His fingers ran through her dark hair and she enjoyed the feeling, smiling up at him. But his question made a soft frown come to her face. Hisaye hid her face in his white shirt and thought back as best she could to the nightmare.  
"No..." she replied, "papa, I had a nightmare."  
Her hand gripped tighter to his shirt, "about mommy..."  
She didn't like to mention her mother much around him unless she wanted to know a story about her. Hisaye knew it caused L pain to think about her dead mother. But right now she was scared. Scared of the nightmare that had decided to reap upon her soul. She wished it gone but it came back. Even the memories would soon start to burn into her skull and then she feared it would never leave.  
"Again..." she added, since it was about the fifth or sixth time she had a nightmare about her mother. "Papa..." she looked up at him, "I'm scared. What is mommy is unhappy?"  
She bit her bottom lip and it quivered a bit. What was she unhappy with? Her papa? Herself? Her? Hisaye was scared to know...

_A Reminder._

She was a constant reminder of what he had lost, the woman he had loved so much was left behind in such a tiny form. Most could not bare to have something like this near them, reminding them daily what they had lost, that it had been the cause of her death. However, L held no malice towards his little girl, how could he? Physically she was so much like him in every way, be it a good thing or a bad thing he was proud that she was at least reflecting some of his traits, Good's had dominated her personality. A gentle voice spoke out the words "Papa" warming him on the inside to hear, even if he was not exactly able to truly show it on the outside. His right hand would stroke her cheek softly, using the backside of his hand he would offer his normal eerie smile. To her however, it would most likely be normal since she was used to being around him, the others were often disturbed by it.

_Destroy it.._

A voice echoed within his head, perhaps from the lack of sleep he was starting to hear things. She alone is responsible.. the voice whispered once more before fading out of his mind. Perhaps influenced too much by the Kira case, L would shake his head to try and get a better grip on his own thoughts. What kind of monster could even suggest harming such a small innocent creature? Perhaps he did harbor some kind of hate somewhere on the inside, however he did not let that over power the greater feeling of love he held for his child. Wearily he would look around before he moved over towards the sofa, placing Hisaye down upon it and hoping up to sit next to her in the same weird manner in which he always sat. "No, I had a Nightmare about mommy.." she said slowly as L placed his thumb against his teeth staring at her pensively. This was not the first time she had done this, nor did he assume that it would be the last time she had this nightmare. In all honesty, he had the same type of nightmare when he managed to fall asleep as well, but being him, he was able to block it out better.

_Of course she's unhappy, murderer.._

The voice once more shot through his head, this time slightly louder then before. His eyes would slide out of focus for a moment as he zoned out, facing his daughter, he could hear nothing from the outside world. He wanted to say that everything was alright, that everything would be fine.. but in truth he had no idea if he was able to say this and mean it. Slowly, Hisaye's face would slide back into his sight as he opened his mouth to speak, slowly he would form his words together. "Your mother.. is in a better place. You have these dreams because you have an over active imagination, there is nothing to worry about." he said slowly as he looked up towards the ceiling. "If mommy was ever in trouble.. I'd go save her somehow.." he said with a thoughtful tone as he reached over to the table, grabbing an apple out of the center dish. Extending it forth, he would press it into her tiny hands. "This apple is a special apple. If you eat it, you will gain happy dreams just like mommy wants you to have, it'll chase away the bad." he said slowly as he created a warm lie that would help comfort her. "Everything will be alright.."

Her whole body was filled with warmth and love as his hand stroked her cheek. Her crimson eyes held a childish, innocent sparkle in them as she curled up close to him. If she were that type of ever so loving person she would've given him a kiss. But in truth Hisaye absolutely hated affection. She didn't like to be touched. She would tolerate it for those she loved, L being one of those people. It was a trait that most likely came from him that she held, and would always hold. It was definitely not a trait that had come from her mother. Her mother had loved affection, once she had found out what it was. Hisaye just wasn't fond of it from the start but that didn't mean anything much. She would hug her father, she would hug her Uncle Matsu, and it wouldn't make a difference how much she disliked affection. She still loved them both. She would accept it from them any time they gave it to her.  
"Papa, I love you..." it was a murmur but it had still escaped her lips. Every word was sincere because she did love her father. He meant the entire world to her and she would do anything for him. Anything.

Being sat on the couch she realized he seemed to be dazing in and out of his thoughts. Her head tilted the side in a very cute fashion. What was on his mind? It was something that was bothering her, that she knew for sure.  
"Papa, what'cha thinking about?" She asked, his thumb going to his mouth was a dead giveaway. She knew he always did that when he was thinking. Hisaye repositioned herself to mirror his way of sitting, finding it most comfortable. He had already tried many time to get her to sit normally, but it wasn't going to happen. Hisaye wanted to sit how he sat not like how everyone else sat. That was boring and uncomfortable, this way was better. It would always be better.

He was completely zoned out and it made Hisaye's eyes widen slightly.  
"Papa?" She was concerned for him, wondering what was wrong. She moved her small body and scooted closer to him. Hisaye leaned against him a bit and it seemed he came back to reality. "Papa?"  
She listened intently to his explanation and a frown spread across her face. That wasn't true, it couldn't be! It couldn't just be her imagination! There had to be something wrong, something! Hisaye closed her eyes and looked straight ahead, nothing to worry about...? He was wrong. But a small smile did come across her lips when he said he'd save her somehow. That was comforting to her. Papa did love mommy very much...though it seemed Light didn't think so. He never had seemed to think so, the way she heard him talk when he and she were alone in conversation. There also always seemed to be malice in his voice toward she and L...but she did not understand. Hisaye knew but not completely of how the 'Kira' case worked.

An apple was placed in her small hands and her eyes opened. Hisaye looked back at him and took the apple, listening to his far-fetched lie. He was trying to comfort her and try to get her to fall asleep again. Hisaye loved apples, they were her favorite food. So she took a bite of it and gave a small giggle. Shaking her head, she knew that most little kids would believe it. But she knew better then most kids her age. But she would humor him and slowly nibble on the apple.  
"Papa..." she spoke after a few moments, leaning fully against him. "When can we go visit mommy...? Maybe she's lonely..." She blinked a few times, and then her eyes closed as a sudden rush of exhaustion took her. "I wish...I wish I knew her like you did, papa...I miss her..."  
And with a yawn the girl was gone, the apple still gripped tightly in her small hands.


	2. Nightmare

Remember this is an RPG with the same person who made 'Killing Loneliness' with me. Give him credit, too. Enjoy. 3

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Chapter 2: Nightmare

_Papa, what'cha thinking about..?_

Her tiny voice would invade the realm of his thoughts, stirring him back to the present moment. What had he been thinking about only moments ago? He could not really place a finger on it himself; he had already simply released those thoughts from his mind. She however was a young, curious child; he would have to come up with something to appease her question. "I was wondering how Uncle Matsu always manages to trip over his own shoe laces." he said as his eyes focused on her, his lips curving up into a creepy grin. His smile holding, even as she mentioned how much she loved him. Mixed feelings were always involved with this, telling he instrument of your lovers death that it held a place within your heart.

"And I love you.."

_"Papa..?"_ her tiny voice would once more bore into his mind, shaking him from the hallucinations that came with his lack of sleep. He could have sworn only moments ago he was being tempted by some being to put an end to his daughter's existence. Shaking his head, he would clear his thoughts. These thoughts sounded like something he would expect from a criminal, from Kira, not himself. His fist would close tightly as he balled his hand, anger rising in him. If only he could catch this man, he would not have to struggle so much with all the inner conflicts that kept berating him by the hour. "We'll go tomorrow, I have important business to tend to tonight." he said with a stern tone, poking her nose gently. "Sleep is the gateway to all happiness. Clear your mind and let it travel to a happy place, L will watch over you.. the Almighty L.." he said with a smirk, referring to himself by his code name.

"Shh..."

And with that single noise, she was already gone, leaving him once more to his own thoughts. Standing, L would gently rest her against the arm of the couch and move back to his computer chair, it was going to be a long night. Eating a sugar cube, his fingers would move once more with fierce determination over the keys, it was time to hunt the bad guys. "dn you, Kira.." he whispered softly as he raised a cube over his head and tilted it in an awkward fashion to eat it. Over the multiple monitors, images of the people he had murdered, addresses, and family members streamed across.

"Shinigami… love… apples.." he whispered.

The next thing she remembered was turning and whimpering. Her tiny nails digging into the apple and some of its juice getting onto her fingers which would make them sticky later. Small crimson eyes snapped open and she screamed. She screamed rather loud, too, as if someone had just put her in a great deal of pain. It was a scream filled with both fear and pain, twisted together to form a horrible screech that would make anyone cringe. Hisaye shot up and accidently swerved as she did, making her tumble off the couch and onto the floor.

Stunned, her eyes remained wide and staring forward as the memories surged through her mind. She remembered it so clearly as it went through that she thought for a few moments in her shock that it was real.

_"Papa...?" Her head turned in every direction possible. "Papa, where are you? Papa!"  
Moving off the couch she had just been sleeping on, Hisaye sat her apple down on the table. "Papa?"  
Slowly she moved forward and began to search around the room. Was he playing hide and seek with her? He was always in this room! Where else could he be? With a small grin she jumped behind the couch. But no L was there...no papa. Frowning she looked for where else he could be hiding. He wasn't under the table where the computers were..._

_"Papa!" Hisaye called again, have a sense of loss wash over her. Where was he? Had he left her? No, he was probably somewhere else at the moment. He'd be back soon. She reassured herself but a movement was caught in the corner of her eye. She thought it was a foot, and her eyes glowed. He was playing! He was hiding! "Papa!"_

_Instantly the little girl ran over to the other couch, looking behind it. "Found y...!" Her words were cut off into a stunned silence. On the ground behind the couch laid someone she'd never seen before. Her hair was a long, rich brunette and her style of clothing made her look young. It was a Gothic Lolita style by what Hisaye could tell. But this young woman was covered in blood and there was a stab wound on her chest. Hisaye took a small step back, staring at her. She felt as if she were going to be sick. Who had done this? Who was she...?_

_The eyes of the woman opened slowly and moved toward her. Hisaye felt her heart skip a beat because those eyes, maroon pupils and scarlet irises, were how her father had described to her about her mom's eyes.  
"M-mommy...?" Hisaye only managed a squeak, then watched the woman smile faintly. "M-mommy..." It was her mother..._

_"H-Hisaye..." the woman coughed blood, "g-get away...get away."_

_That soothing voice...it was the same voice that haunted her other nightmares!  
"Get away from what?" Hisaye looked puzzled, but felt about to cry at the same time. It was her mother...dying...again. "Mommy, get away from what?"  
"G-get away..." she whispered, eyes suddenly widening with terror. Hisaye felt a presence looming over her._

_Turning she only saw him for a split second before the knife had come down. But he had been there...it was he...a scream erupted from her. It was her father..._

Taking in heavy, ragged breathes the dream slowly began to lose its detail. But tears were already forming in Hisaye's eyes. She gave a quiet sob, gripping even tighter to the apple.  
"Papa..." she whined, the tears beginning to roll down her cheeks. Why had she dreamed that? Why had she dreamed her murder at the hands of her father...?

_Here it comes, for me.._

Sleep once more threatened to over take the detective, his heavy eye lids drooping as he leaned forward. For the first time in what seemed like weeks he would sleep, however at the last moment such a miraculous event would be over shadowed by a scream. The ear piercing screech of Hisaye would fill the room as his eyes suddenly snapped open. Falling from his chair, he would land upon the ground with a loud thump, a soft "Oof" following soon after. He would not even take the time to consider the pain of his head hitting the floor, parental instinct over powering his pain causing him to instantly crawl over to Hisaye who writhed on the floor. Stuck in what seemed like a nightmare, he could not make her calm, not until it was over. "Hisaye! Get a hold of yourself, Im here.." he called softly, trying to reach through what seemed to hold her.

"Please, snap out of it.."

Finally she seemed to become conscious once more, her tiny eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. Whatever it was, it must have been horrible to cause such a powerful physical reaction, a frown formed upon his face. Ever since she was little she seemed to be sad, disturbed, and insecure.. just a little. A little girl with no mother, perhaps one of the hardest ways for any child to grow up, and to top it all off her father was always busy. Running his hand through her hair gently, he would attempt to gain her attention; his natural curiosity demanded that he figured out what could cause such a violent explosion. "Im here, I've got you..." he said in a slow mono tone, hoping to calm her down. Unknown to him, he was the cause of it all, the dream centering around devastation that he had caused. "Hisaye, what happened?" he asked as he set her up, placing his thumb gently against his lips.

"Are you both okay..?"

Even Watari had been disturbed from his slumber after such an outburst, the old man standing there in his usual uniform. It made L wonder sometimes, did he ever change into anything else or underneath his suit... was there just another suit? Perhaps a very inappropriate inquiry for this moment in time, he would force it to the back of his mind. "We will be, Watari..." said L slowly as he took note of the time, the team would be returning any moment now so he would have to take care of this as soon as possible."Hisaye, I need you to tell me what happened..." he said softly as he stared into her eyes. "If you don't, I can't make everything okay.." he said with his smile cropping up on his face, being told by Good that a smile could make everything better, his, so he would always smile towards her even when he had no reason to.

Spasms of shudders were running through her body even after she had awaken. Her crimson eyes were blank with pain and terror as she stared up at L. Her whole being tensed up but the tension disappeared after another shudder escaped her. Her breathing would ever so slowly begin to turn back to normal. But she still heaved for air as if her lungs were not working properly. Her small body slowly worked its way out of its shocked state. This was not the L she had seen in her dream. This was her L...her papa. She reminded herself of this so many times as she stared up at him. Her mind kept confusing him with the one in her dream, excepting him to take a knife to her any moment. But she knew...she knew better then this. Her papa would never hurt her, he loved her. Her heart ached a bit, didn't he? What if he didn't love her because she killed mommy? She hadn't meant to! The tears were suddenly falling faster and a sob broke from her. She all out began to cry, feeling horrible. Feeling the guilt that she knew she shouldn't have. The guilt of being the one to tear her mother away from her papa. She never wanted to do that...but she had hurt him so badly. It was so obvious, wasn't it? She was only 3 and she knew he was aching from losing her. Would it be better if she just didn't exist? If she hadn't existed better in the first place her mother would've never died! Then papa could've been happy! He could've been happier if not for her...who could ever love anyone who did that? How could he ever love her...?

"Papa..." she managed to weakly get out, feeling now that that shock was going away the ache on where she had fallen on her head. It felt like she had a minor headache or something stuck in the back of her mind. But didn't she deserve it? She had caused so much more pain then she could ever feel. His fingers going through her hair hurt when they touched the bump, but she said nothing of it. "I-I...dreamed y-you killed mommy and me..." She only managed it in a whisper, her crimson eyes staring wide at him. The tears seemed to go even faster if such a thing were possible. She felt so horrible...her mother must've been unhappy. Why would she have dreamed like that if she weren't?

"Papa..." she started again after a few moments silence."I-I'm sorry...I'm sorry I killed mommy..."  
She gripped onto his shirt, barely aware of Watari being there. The only person who she was centering her attention to right now was L, her father. Seeing his smile, it pierced her soul with a million pieces of small glass. He was trying to smile for her, trying to make things better. Yet it was he who needed to be better, not she. It made her feel selfish and undeserving of the smile. She wanted it to disappear from his face. "I'm so sorry, papa! I didn't mean to."  
She hid her face in his shirt, sobbing, "I didn't want to kill mommy, I really didn't! I miss her, I want her here..."  
Another shudder ran through her small body, "so you could be happy. I wish she were here..."  
Hisaye was trying to pull herself together, but she was young. Young kids could have such a fragile state of mind. What had happened had broken it. Hisaye's fragile mind was broken right now and needed mending. But it would be hard to mend someone who doesn't feel she deserves it. Slowly she was succeeding at making her sobs quieter, but now she was shivering. The guilt was tearing her away piece by piece.  
"Please do not smile, papa...do not smile for me..." she murmured, "I don't deserve your smile..."

"..I'm here, Hisaye."

She was awake, which was a good thing after a fall like that. She had hit her cranium on the hard floors, enough force to at least cause a minor concussion. For now that was a minor detail, dark occult would drift over her form slowly, making sure that she was responsive, despite the fact that she was speaking. "That was quite the scare you gave us, be careful next time." said L, his normal tone present which would serve to hide the angst he felt inside. L should have however known about the phrase, watch what you wish for. Having asked for the reason behind this, he would receive an answer unlike what he would be expecting. Eyes widening with shock, he would only gap at the young girl for a moment, unable to process what she had just said for a moment. This was perhaps the single most terrible thing he had ever felt, the thoughts that creeped up along with her statement. In a way, he had always felt responsible as well, she didn't create Hisaye alone. "It was just a dream, Hisaye. There is no need to over react, Shh." he would say softly, although with an authorative voice.

A moment of silence passed over the two of them, L still cradling the girl within his arms. "Watari, please get Hisaye something to drink and some medicine." asked L in a low tone. It did not have to be repeated twice, Watari would nod and immediately duck out of the room with amazing speed for his age. "I'm sorry I killed mommy..", L's eyes would go wide with shock, such thoughts from such a little girl. From what he was aware of, children her age should not have even been conscious of things like this. He however had most likely passed on alot of his genes, so he should have most likely expected something like this, she had always been beyond normal child intelligence. "I know you didn't want to, nor was it your fault. We all want her here, however that cannot be so we just have to make due with what we have." he said with a slightly cheery voice, even if on the inside he was burning alive. The smile still held tight to his visage, he could not let her feel his sorrow, she was a child.

A reassuring hand would move through Hisaye's hair, her father's warm gaze cascading down upon her. "What gives you the impression I am not happy? I have my daughter, Watari, and one of the best friends anyone could ask for." said L slowly, of course by friend he was referring to Light. She was so much more aware of her environment then the other children L had seen when Good had him spend time around them. He, having been afraid of the child prospect, was introduced to them slowly via someone else's children that Good thrust upon him. The smile only widened on his face as he thought about this, it had been quite a funny time. His face however would not change when she asked for him to not smile; it was the only thing that could warm such a dark night. "I smile, because I have you. You did nothing wrong, mommy was very sick anyway. I smile, because it's our smile… not just mine." he said slowly, referring to smiling for both of them instead of just her.

"Dry your tears; you're too pretty to cry." L said with a smirk, as he stood up. Taking the medicine Watari would bring in off the tray; L would turn towards Hisaye and offer her some Tea. "For your head." he said with a simple smile. After that, he would make his way over to the desks and press a few buttons upon the keyboard. "I want to show you something..." he said in a low voice as he opened a folder containing several pictures of Good. "Just press this button here to change the image you see."

Of course what she said had shocked him. Who would expect his three year old daughter to dream he had killed her? Let alone the very woman who had helped create her and one he had loved so much. Hisaye listened to the silence the dull pain in her head making her eyes feel heavy. She just wanted to close them and go to black but for one that shouldn't be considered a good thing once you hit your head and two she didn't want to dream again. Maybe she shouldn't have told him about what she had dreamed. Maybe she should've lied and told him it was something else. Because it was plain horrible to tell him about a dream like that. But despite how horrible it was he persisted on comforting her. On trying to soothe her when she knew, somehow, deep down inside that he was hurting. It had been three years since her mother had been taken away from him and three years since she was born. Hisaye's birthday, October 10th, was a day of mourning yet a day of celebration. For the loss of a life and the gaining of a new. But which was more important? She figured her father would tell her that her birthday was more important. But that wasn't true, her mother was more important then a birthday. October 10th shouldn't be a day of celebration; it should be a day of mourning. A day where they visit her mother's grave so she's not so lonely...

Watari had left before she had broken down and apologized profusely about killing her mother. Hisaye was sort of relieved by that because she only wanted her father to hear her. She only wanted her father to know just how sorry she was. But yet again it sent him into a shocked state and she wondered why. Hisaye was pretty smart, definitely over average for her age. She was quite well aware of the things that happen around her and she was well aware what death was. She wasn't going to fall for the "she's just sleeping" trick and never had fallen for it. Because that was just illogical and stupid. Death was death and the sooner a young individual learned to accept that fact the better. That way they don't figure it out later and have their heart ache over it. Because a parent may think he or she is 'protecting' the child but all they're doing is hurting it.

_But it is my fault, it is..._ Hisaye thought quietly as he said it wasn't and he knew she didn't want to. _She could've gotten rid of me and stayed alive. It's so simple...why didn't she get rid of me?_  
Had she been more precious to her mother then her own life? Hisaye's tears slowed and she felt her eyes going dry. Soon there'd be no more tears to cry.  
Light didn't want her here... She thought absent-mindedly as she recalled him muttering something along the lines of 'good riddance' once when her mother had died. Apparently nobody had heard him but her. _But mommy heard it, too. I hope mommy is ok...  
_  
"Mommy isn't here, and she hasn't been for three years," Hisaye murmured when he asked why he wouldn't be happy. "It's just not complete, the family puzzle..."  
You say he is, but Light isn't really your friend, is he? Her almost identical eyes shifted to stare into his as he mentioned a good 'friend.' _If anything, you should befriend Matsuda. Not Light, he's different...I can't see what I can see in others._ She had never mentioned the fact she had shinigami eyes to anyone. She thought everyone had them.  
"...Have you cried yet, papa?" She asked quietly, watching him intently. Crying could be considered a last stage of healing for loss. A good cry to let it all out seemed to help a whole lot. "If you haven't, you need to cry...for momma's sake."  
_Because if you don't cry she'll know you're clinging onto her and will feel bad..._

Listening to why he smiled she sighed and her tears had long since stopped. She didn't feel so bad now because the tears had helped her let her sorrow out. Her face was warm as if she had a fever but it was only from her tears. Now she remained silent, curled against him and just listening to his voice. Hisaye closed her eyes and still wanted to fall into darkness but wouldn't allow herself to. She was too pretty to cry? She was pretty? Hisaye opened her eyes, giving a soft frown. A negative thing she had taken from her mother was a rather low self-esteem. But if he said so...her father actually rather helped, though he may not know it, with her self-esteem issue.

He moved and she watched him go but he soon returned with medicine and tea. Her tiny hands moved and grabbed the tea, setting it beside her as she took the medicine. Like a good girl she took the medicine, though she grimaced at how horrible it tasted, and then drank the tea.  
"Thank you," she replied, since it was polite.  
He wanted to show her something? Hisaye hopped up and followed after him to the computer. Ah, the computer...the thing she just loved to play on. She was actually not too bad at some of the things you could do with computers, too. Her eyes had slightly widened as the folder opened and she saw pictures of a familiar woman.

"Mommy..." she murmured and moved forward, gazing at the first picture of Good sitting in the park. She had a puzzled look as it seemed she was just realizing her picture was being taken. Then there was another one where her whole face had seemed to turn red. Was she embarrassed that he was taking her picture? Hisaye felt slightly amused and slowly a small smile spread across her face. She looked through each one, being slow about it, too. She would stare at one and take in every detail before going to another. Her mother was so beautiful...Hisaye wondered why she often thought she wasn't. Then she had learned about the low self-esteem issues.  
"Hey papa, why did mommy not have a name?" She asked, knowing 'Good' was a mere alias. But she never knew the true reason why.


End file.
